Smoother Than I Ever Was...

Grahame Fowler's Trickers

I'm clunky enough as it is. I got clunky eyebrows, a clunky butt, clunky hair and a clunky gut. Nothing about my body is smooth anymore. But, I once was smooth... in places ... when I was young. Maybe that's why young people are enamoured with Trickers. They're smooth and they need some clunk. The UK made shoes & boots are built like a brick shit house and look like something a mailman would wear.

I told that to a friend of mine from London back in the '80s. Mutley called 'em Trompers. Not sure if that was a model or if it was just slang for Trickers in general. You'd see a few around the underwriting room at Lloyd's of London. They were Punk with a bit of the Wide Boy about them. Grahame Fowler and Chuka had a Trickers show last week. You can be sure Nick Wooster will be back for a pair or two...I wish he'd buy some socks while he's there.



Smooth Justin Ropers # 50025

My favorite boot is this Justin Roper with a riding heel. Pointy toed boots are a bigger turnoff than Trompers but the Roper has a simple rounded toe. They're the color of my coffee and I'm not too proud to confess they were ordered, Style # 50025, from J Peterman in 1993. They're smooth as all get out. You're not gonna walk very far in 'em, but they're not made for walking. They're best for riding Western and these have seen some riding.


Riding Heel

I took lessons as a kid. First, at the Air Force Academy and later with my sister from private stables close by. On my birthday she and a couple instructors locked me in a tack room. It was about 105 degrees in August. Flies swarmed around saddles and blankets thick with horse sweat and funk. After about 10 minutes I thought I was gonna throw up. They all thought that was pretty funny and laughed for about as long as Grahame and Chuka did when I showed them the Imperial Leather soap I bought for $6.


14th Street Cowboy Boots

Sometimes I'll catch the whiff of horseshit by Central Park and be reminded of riding in Winter. A gallop through the snow -- just as smooth as these old boots. Every Fall I tell myself I'm gonna get back in the saddle but I never do. Maybe 'cause I'm afraid I'd like it too much.


Too much hat...

I don't think you need to ride to wear Cowboy boots. Just go easy. Boots, jeans, cable knit sweater... skip the hat.

If you're young and need some Clunk - Grahame will sort you out here. New ones are being added as I type. Sadly, the Justin #50025 is no longer available.

Happy - You Don't Know Shit From Shinola - Memorial Day

Always a problem... shit from Shinola (shine-oh-la)

I heard it growing up but,  being an Army Brat,  I was exposed to a lotta confusing military metaphors.  A favorite of the Old Man's was, "He couldn't pour piss out of a shoe." When I joined the Army, a less elegant but still charming version was heard in Basic Training, "He couldn't pour piss out of a boot with a direction arrow on the heel."  As a kid, I wondered why anyone would pour piss out of a shoe much less,  how the piss got in the shoe to begin with. As a recruit, it quickly became obvious that, "piss out of a shoe (or boot)" was all about incompetence --Of which there was a great deal in Basic Training on behalf of myself, my fellow recruits and the US Army.

These logophile nuggets increased through training.  Drill Sergeant Hunt was fond of, "If your brains were gasoline there wouldn't be enough to power a piss ant motorcycle half way 'round a fucking dime." Or, "If your brains were cotton there wouldn't be enough for a piss ant tampax."  Obviously Hunt had something for piss ants.  My favorite was, "You people move like old people fuck."  Not sure why other than I'm very visual and any sexual fantasy in Basic Training was welcome.   

Infantry school introduced me to, "He couldn't piss up a rope."  Again, a perplexing statement when taken out of  Army context but eloquent in describing raging incompetence with so few words. By Jump School, things got strange with the 'Black Hat' from South Texas who called everybody, "Stevie Wonder." If he caught you chewing gum, he took it out of your mouth and put in his adding, "You chewed all the flavor outta this gum, Stevie Wonder. Why would you do that to me?"

Using expressions like these, once assigned to a unit, were frowned upon. They had become tired and over used -- Much like double monks.  Barrack's poets would take the stage and while the target was the same incompetence...be it the Army or a man other (than yourself), personal style ruled -- I'll never forget the bookish and frequently busted 30-something Spec 5 from Los Angeles who called the XVIII Airborne Corps G-3 Sergeant Major, "An unmitigated asshole." At 19, I had no idea what 'unmitigated' meant but there was beauty in the meter of it that I still find attractive today.

I drove for a colonel, later a general, who left a briefing, climbed into my jeep, turned to me and said, "Tinseth, I'm so confused I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my ass." I dunno...I think the Spec 5 has it over the colonel. 

When I asked my Old Man what Shinola was, he explained it was boot polish and the origin of the phrase went as far back as WWII.  I didn't say anything but all I could think of was, why did black boot polish look like shit?  Was everyone eating black beans and rice?  What it took years for me to figure out (piss ant brains) was that the Army of WWII wore brown boots and Shinola made a brown polish. So... now you know, Stevie Wonder.