My Anger

Part of me doesn't want to think about racism. I like to pretend that nothing bad happens to me because of the color of my skin, because of something that is inherently a part of me. Although I like to pretend that my race never matters to people, I have to start to acknowledge that  racism still exists today. I read pieces like Lorde's about anger at racism, and I hear my mom telling me about racism at work. Still, I always give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it wasn't racism? Now, I'm trying to challenge my thinking. Maybe it was racism? Maybe I don't live in a world where race is invisible, and we're all just people.

Lorde says that we need to acknowledge our differences in race and class, but honestly, I don't want people to look at me as different. I know I'm being naive, but why can't we all just be people? It's so frustrating. And I wince as I write this because it sounds so childish, but that's honestly how I feel. I do recognize that I need to realize that not everyone thinks like me, and that because I am a minority, I don't have access to certain privileges that white people have. The piece on white privilege from earlier in the semester was kind of a wake up call. I realized that I don't have many of the privileges on that list.

So putting the naive side of myself aside, I decided to explore my anger. What do I have to be angry about that I've ignored? Well, I'm angry about being accused of stealing make up at Walgreens. I'm angry that someone told me and my sister that we were being watched in Target. I'm angry that when I'm being referred to I'm referred to as "that black girl" whereas if I were white I'd be "that girl." I'm angry that because of my skin color I am made to feel less attractive than other girls.  I'm angry that some institutions like the university mentioned in Levy's Female Chauvinist Pigs  think that by having their students utter a phrase like "I am Asian" or "I am African-American" they will understand what it means to be a minority. I'm angry that as Azuelda points out in Toward a New Consciousness mixed people are forced to pick a race instead of being allowed to be mixed. I'm angry that whenever I slightly speak loudly I am referred to as "ghetto." I'm angry that someone walked up to me,  looked at me as if I were committing some atrocious sin, and said "you're blaaack." I'm angry that  because I'm black I'm expected to act a certain way.